- The Spirit led me to go to Rigo's house (the blind guy) while everyone else was in Chapel, and I prayed over him with his wife for about 15 minutes (it was DEFINITELY God-lead; I was freaking out as I was "walked" to the house).
- I sang on the worship team for a Tecate Mission Int'l conference that was held here at the BI last Friday (a God activity, definitely).
- I got my last two wisdom teeth pulled on Saturday, and the water used in the oral surgery leaked into my muscle tissue on the side of my face, so I was half-swollen for a few days (it's been going down since Sunday, and by the end of today I didn't look as much like an ogre).
- I ate 2 really delicious salads at the Sizzlers in La Mesa, CA on Sunday in the company of Uncle Kent, Aunt Lila, Willa (the TMI Ex. Secretary), and Elaine (Uncle Kent's adorable mother).
- I started on my Aunt's APEN (CEF) inventory today and watched kids some with Marbe.
Well, yeah. I'm reaching a trough in life, once more.
At the conference, they talked about ulterior motives as a missionary (they referred to them as "shadow missions"), and God pointed out to me that I have one. Not only do I have one, but I'm living one. Here I thought that I was all eyes on God and was here only for God, but turns out I have my own intentions and motives.
The truth: I like the attention. And I'm getting it. I like being known for being original and doing something that no one else my age is doing. And I am.
"You're a missionary? Wow, what a great person, you are."
Those are the words my ears crave.
"So where is your daughter going to college?"
"Oh, she's not yet. She decided to be selfless and go volunteer at a Bible Institute instead. We're so proud of her."
"Wow, you're so lucky to have a child like that."
Those are the words I want to be uttered about me.
PRIDE.
Not the kind accompanied by a rainbow (obviously), but rather that which infects your brain with vanity until there is nothing more. You literally become a monster on the inside. No one else matters in world, unless you need them to get the praise you want.
It hasn't gotten to that point for me yet, however, a teaspoon of pride or 50 gallons of pride are both going to get you wet.
God's trying to kill Lynda, though; and the killing is beneficial.
"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 16:24, 25
I feel like I'm losing my life. My old life is no longer. I'm starting to cry just thinking about it. I no longer get to sit on my parents bed with the whole family and just crack jokes with them at least once a week. I no longer get to close at Taylors and eat french fries out of the pan. I no longer get to drive through Loomis every single day. I no longer attend Tuesday nights and Sunday mornings with Rock Harbor. I no longer get to go to college right after high school. I no longer live in California. I no longer...
I think I'm mourning within this realization. I'm mourning the comfort and love that I was blessed with before.
I'm so arrogant though. With this new area of pride for what God has me here doing, I've ignored the fact that all these kids here at the Bible Institute were, TOO, called by God. I'm not volunteering at an orphanage; I'm volunteering at a Bible College. Most of these kids here, too, are denying themselves to follow God. They're just like me; minus the pride.
I have no reason to be proud of where I am and what I'm doing here because it wasn't/isn't my Plan. It's God's.
So away with the self-pity for the loss of self. Away with the pride. I'm stripped down. Naked. Ready for God to clothe me in Him and His true purpose.
Deep post, Lynda. When you first titled it Nudity, I thought maybe you went to a nude beach or there was one nearby or something haha. Way off. My prayers continue for you. By the sounds of things, Matt and I may be coming to CA in Jan when you are home. I would so, so love that!!!!!
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