Depues una día largo.

Wiped, like a baby butt. What. A. Day. What a long day, with that! I watched kids from 8 AM to 6 PM with a two hour break. Beteli in the morning while her parents went to a doctors appointment in Tijuana and to check out the brail institute for her dad, Rigo; David accompanied her as a playmate (they play well together—both being 3), then Abril and Daniela joined the mix at 11 AM, along with two 5-year-old girls who weren’t supposed to be in there after my aunt had talked to them last week (luckily she rescued me again by sending them out). At 1:30 PM, the parents came early; it was time for my two hour break, so I crossed the border to get the mail and also ended up picking up Keila from school since her dad broke down on the way.

*A majority of the parents here in Mexico want to send their kids to the Tecate Mission 1^st-8^th Bible School because they’ll be able to learn English fluently. Unfortunately for the families, it’s a small school—less than 50 students in total. Aunt Lila said that while kids are even in the womb, their parents will put them on the waiting list to get in. Luckily for Keila, Jaunita, and David, their parents are missionaries through TMI, so they get first dibs.*

When I got back at 3 PM, I ate my lunch (rice, beans, and tortillas) that Aunt Lila set aside for me and then at 3:30 PM, it was back to watching niños. Beteli and ooh, my favorites… (sarcasm) Nohemí and Grete… Nohemí was her typical bratty self—was even sticking her tongue out and throwing toys at her sister and Beteli—but her little sister, Grete, cried a whole lot less than typical, which was so nice.

**Mexican children stick their tongues out differently than American children—it’s actually rather obscure unless you see it repeated. They do it more lizard style (in-out-in-out) where as American kiddos eject, erect and keep it that way. After I noticed little David do his lizard thing at me two different times today when I told him to do something, I put him on time-out in the corner for about three minutes. All I said to him was “Pensas!” (think) didn’t know what else I could say in Spanish. I didn’t know what I should say when I relieved him from the chair, so I got my translation dictionary out and looked up the word “rudeness”: mal-educación. When I came back to him, he had a single tear down his cheek. “Terminaste? No más mal-educacíon?” I asked. He nodded, and I patted his back to go play with Beteli.**

Um, I’ve kind of learned from my father, instead of my mother, how to interact with kids. This is not a good thing. I teach them how to play with the fire in the candles (Keila at the wedding; not the babies!), I tip them upside down, I carry them on my shoulders, I pat their mouth when they won’t stop crying because it makes a funny noise. Not something a mom would ordinarily do… or a daycare provider. I fail. At least I’m recognizing it, so I’m working on not doing it when I catch myself.

I also fail as daycare provider in this aspect: I am SO flippin’ lazy. I interact with the kids as little as possible—well, maybe not as little as possible, but pretty close—for instance, if I have two kids, I’ll try to get them to play with each other so that I can do my own thing (reading or Spanish studying), if I have one kid I put in a movie to keep them occupied, and if I have one baby I try to put it to sleep. How terrible. The ideal daycare provider would have a set schedule and would play with the kids, would play guitar and sing with them, and have some lessons to teach them new things (shapes, colors, counting, ENGLISH). What’s holding me back? It can’t be that difficult. I’ve honestly never been a fan of kids, but people would never know it by the immature level I stoop to when I’m with them. That’s another thing, when I’m with these kids I feel more like a big kid than I do a caregiver… not cool. That’s one of the leading mistakes of parents and guardians today—trying too hard to be their friend instead of the authority. Because I’m not the authority, the kids walk all over me and demand as they please (sans please and thank-yous). I want to be the one they look up to and admire—one does not typically admire one’s servant. Instead I only get their respect when I’m surprisingly stern; and then their just plain confused. I need to gain the respect efficiently and effectively.

I want to lose weight, but I’m always hungry. I was hoping to lose 10/15 lbs while I was down here, but instead I’ve gained 5! I’m so bummed. First I was going to do that “Diet for Your Blood Type” thing, but couldn’t commit. Then I was going to only have sugar once a week, but couldn’t commit. Then I was not going to eat dinner anymore, but couldn’t commit. Then I was going to cut out all sugar, and guess what! I couldn’t commit. :\ I’m not morbidly obese or anything, I realize this. But nearly every girl always has some extra weight she wants to lose.

***P.s. Marbella, Keila’s mom, had Tio, Tia, and I over for dinner where she made us the most delicious enchiladas my taste buds have ever encountered.***

I also can’t get up early! Never on time for Devotionals. In fact, these past two days I’ve been 17 minutes late! 17 minutes! It usually only lasts but 30! I wanted to set a goal of practicing guitar, studying my Spanish books, and reading my books I brought, every single day. Not one day have a committed. Not one day have I completed all. Lack of accomplishment kind of makes me hate myself.

And I also feel terrible. More often than I have in my entire life, am I reading the Bible. Daily-daily! And absorbing so much of it—especially with how Aunt Lila and I are studying it with a guide and questions—but even with all the Bible reading and praying I’m doing, I sure do feel far away from God. Just two months ago, it seemed like He was all I thought about and I talked to Him in every opportunity. Now all I think about is the things I need to get done and how much of a failure I’m turning out to be, and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m getting to that point where I’m so disgusted with myself—and feeling so… lonely? I don’t know, maybe—that I wouldn’t mind just calling life quits and sleeping for an eternity. I guess what it all comes down to, all this rambling adds up to, is the fact that I have lost the motivation to stay motivated (I know it sounds redundant, but the words create a perfect description). I need Jesus to set me afire once more—I need a passion again. I need want Him to be my Passion.

On a better note, I was actually there this morning for when my roommates congregated to pray. It was my turn—I was going to pray in Spanish for my first time ever publically, but couldn’t find the prayers I’d written down for when I did get to lead prayer with them in the morning. So again, I prayed in English instead. What a bummer.

Nelly came up to our dorm the other night to remind Chely and Joka about dance practice, and since I was there she invited me, too. So that night at 8 PM we all met in one of the classrooms where Joka (I was surprised) and Nelly (she coordinates most of the dances the girls do on Sundays—they usually use tambourines, flags, and American Sign Language [and it was funny last Sunday in their dance they were using ASL to sign with the song, and the sign for the word “king” is to cross the letter K down your chest, but “king” in Spanish is rey)] taught us a dance routine to a Hebrew worship song I had heard in our room. The dance they taught us was a simple synchronized dance of which we hold hands in a zig-zag sort of chain and two-step sort-of-danced with our feet. It’s a cakewalk (and I’m a terrible dancer—ask my mom), so I was rather shocked when some of the girl couldn’t get it and practiced the simple 8-count move for 15 minutes. Once we rehearsed through it in the actually line (we learned it separated), it was a little harder trying to remember the order of the steps and trying not to step on the other girls’ feet at the same time. Anyway, I’m looking forward to performing on Sunday—just have to find a black skirt.

Uncle Kent and Aunt Lila are going away this weekend for their anniversary.

My parents ordered me a new Bible—English Spanish Parallel—and it’s pretty interesting because the English is in ESV, which I’ve never used before. I’m so excited go through this as I am reading the entire Bible all the way through, and highlight and underline all the new verses that are important to me or intrigue me in this new Chapter of my life.