I was tired of blogging. Not just tired, but ashamed. I felt like every time I posted a new post that I was infecting the world with my unnecessary vanity (I've actually discovered that it's done some good spiritually). The motive of the blog, however, has never been vanity. I'm just one of those kind of people whom assumes that others see me in a negative light--my views on myself are tinted in an awkward manner, I guess. If I sit and analyze my relations with others, I'm rather adored. God blesses me with people who love me even with my countless sins and faults--kinda cool. :)
So, that's why my blog just stopped so abruptly. That, and I could only think about going home.
My last day of watching kids was ridiculous, but I didn't mind. I can some up the craziness with a single instance: I made a makeshift diaper out of feminine products so that baby feces wouldn't contaminate any more of the room.
Uncle Kent kindly chauffeured me to the airport where I went through baggage check-in, security, and a flight all alone for the first time. It was pleasant; I crocheted. I also had my first awkward encounter with a stranger on a flight, which ended up not being that awkward. We simply conversed about his family, his job selling John Deer tractors, as well as my family, and my current "occupation" of watching children in Mexico. It felt like a scene from a movie, and therefore it felt like I would bump into him again in my life as we exchanged goodbyes walking through the terminal.
Being home was lovely, in every use of the word. I was able to attend more than half of my sister's and friends' choir concert, I got to kiss my Mama, I got to cuddle with my Pa on the couch, I got to spend time with my Steph and Jazz and their boyfriends, I got to watch my favorite movies with Jess (even though she was in writhing pain), I got to see some extended family, I got to go to lunch with my grandparents, I got to bake cookies with my siblings, I got to work at Taylors, I got to go to church and youth group, I got to spend time with Matt and Laura (bro and sis-in-law), and I got to eat french onion soup--twice!
Good times.
But something was missing. I neglected God for 3 weeks. We'd talk in the car a little, but that's about it. No Bible reading. No devotion. It really affected me. I spent most of the 3 weeks moping around the house putting off things that I promised people I'd do, like visiting with friends, visiting the old folks home, and just being happy. I felt sluggish and semi-depressed in a place where I really wanted to be. It was so ironic, but then it wasn't. Your only going to have joy in God. Real joy, I mean. And dissing Him for 3 weeks is no bueno; so I learned.
It's really easy to get distracted from God when I'm at home. Here in Tecate at the BI, it's all about Jesus. Everything is done for Jesus. It's different in Penryn, Cali. It's even different in my home. My goal is to get strong enough in my relationship with Christ here, that I'll be able to go with Him anywhere and not get distracted.
So when I was dropped off by my family yesterday, it was of course internally emotionally. I held back tears, but was still sad for the rest of the night. It's like I love them or something.
I watched a movie and fell asleep at my aunt and uncles (they were away at a conference) even though I was supposed to go back to the dorms. I'm terribly irresponsible and unaccountable and that is definitely a change that needs to be made. I tried to achieve this all last term, but to no prevail. It's a change that I definitely need God's help on. Being on time, being there to help others, getting done what I say I will, etc.
Even at lunch today at the Chinese food place with my Tios and Beto and Gloria, I was thinking how I'd be such a better person if I'd engage in conversation even if I only understand half of it (being in Spanish). Or in church I was thinking, "If only I was more friendly". Or I'm always thinking "If only I was more intelligent".
As far as the intelligent thing goes, I've been chewing on this verse:
"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." 1 Corinthians 8:1
Loving others is definitely more important, according to God.
Well, the next semester begins tomorrow. I have so much more to say, but can't say it all in 3 minutes.
Pray for me, please. For guidance, especially. I'm praying for you, my reader.
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